A Flair For The Macabre

LISTEN AT YOUR OWN RISK. Our weekly OG catchup goes completely off the rails this week, becoming our funniest {and most f*cked up} episode yet. From celebrating podcast milestones to categorizing cremation consistencies, we really have mastered finding humor in all the highs and the lows. Mallory brings the vibes with another 90's Country banger, while Jackie gets taken to the red table for her emotional {hair} cutting. 

Our long anticipated Italian reunion is next week and we can't wait to record our first episode TOGETHER. Stay tuned for that and enjoy this weird and wacky little nugget.

Transcript

SPEAKER_02 0:03

Hello Mallory. Hello, Jackie. In a week, less than a week, we'll be saying a bongiorno.

SPEAKER_03 0:11

Bongiorno, bonjour. Oh no foto, no foto. A spaghetti, please.

SPEAKER_02 0:18

A spaghetti. A cannoli. A gabagool.

SPEAKER_03 0:24

Yes, apparently we're the sopranos.

SPEAKER_02 0:27

I am in, I'm gonna show you. I call this my Tony Soprano sweatsuit. Nice.

SPEAKER_03 0:32

It's got like the Tony. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 0:38

Yeah. Is it the Duomo behind you?

SPEAKER_03 0:40

It's the Duomo. It's the do duo.

SPEAKER_02 0:43

The duo. I cannot wait.

SPEAKER_03 0:45

Mal and I we're finally we're doing it. We're doing it. We're getting out of the group chat, as the girlies say. But the group chat is just us. Just us. Just the one chat. Just a duo chat. It's really just a chat. Yeah. Regular chat. Duomo chat, if you will.

SPEAKER_02 1:02

If you will. Hey oh. Yeah, we're getting out of the group chat.

SPEAKER_03 1:06

Yep.

SPEAKER_02 1:06

Getting on an airplane.

SPEAKER_03 1:08

And how many times have you cut your hair in the last week?

SPEAKER_02 1:14

It's been a few.

unknown 1:16

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 1:17

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 1:18

Mallory. Mallory said to have a little intervention with me off the air to stop cutting my hair.

SPEAKER_03 1:25

She continues to cut. And this was the question I had for you that I told you I wanted to ask you on the podcast. And cut this if you need to. But are you still speaking with your therapist?

unknown 1:35

No, I'm not.

SPEAKER_03 1:36

Because I really want her take on the cutting. You know? I really want to get her wisdom onto why you continue just to cut, cut, cut, cut, cut. You're like, I need it, I'm gonna cut more.

SPEAKER_02 1:51

I don't think there's any correlation between the not going to therapy anymore.

SPEAKER_03 1:56

Oh, it's cutting your hair. No, they're totally unrelated. Totally unrelated. Yes. No, there's no way they're linked at all.

SPEAKER_02 2:03

Listen, my dear friend here has done exactly what I've asked her to keep doing, which is to keep chopping away my hair.

SPEAKER_03 2:11

Did she say like don't do it? Did she she's supportive? In the regime, you don't say no, you just fall in line. Go. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:22

Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 2:23

I feel like it in Eastern Europe, more than anywhere, the customer's always right. I'm sure she thought like maybe we should stop. She was just like, not my business. Not my business. Okay, let's just keep going.

SPEAKER_02 2:37

Yep.

unknown 2:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 2:39

So we're gonna stop. Yeah. We're gonna stop. I even Mallory texted me the other night when I was downward spiraling about my hair, and she was like, You're not gonna cut it anymore, right? And I was like, if I just cut this one, and she was like, Stop it! Stop it!

SPEAKER_03 2:56

No more scissors down, put down the scissors. Put down the scissors. Maybe if I shorten it more. Sweetie, no, no. Eva, I'm in the middle of something. Eva, I'm in the middle of something.

SPEAKER_02 3:07

All right.

SPEAKER_00 3:07

Well, the the reason Reba McIntyre is behind me because my husband's been gone for work and I have been a single mom who works two jobs, who loves a kid and never stops with gentle hands in the heart of a fighter. I'm a survivor.

SPEAKER_02 3:28

It's hard. Busy back. I'm busy back. This also leads into why I'm pretty sure I accidentally took two Claritin this morning instead of one. So I'm a little I'm feeling a little loopy.

SPEAKER_03 3:42

Feeling a little spicy. I like it.

SPEAKER_02 3:44

I'm feeling a little drowsy.

SPEAKER_03 3:48

I got you. Well, I've got just the thing for you because I've got this week's song. Okay. I want to know what is your familiarity with the Juds.

SPEAKER_02 3:59

Okay, I know there's sisters, and I know there was one like Jenny Craig Judd, and then one but you don't know any of their, you're not familiar with their canon of work. No. I know there was like a fat Judd in the 90s and a not fat Judd, like a Weight Watchers Judd.

SPEAKER_03 4:17

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 4:18

Like an Oprah friend Judd.

SPEAKER_03 4:19

Yeah. So there's Winona and her mother Naomi. So they Oh, it's her mother, okay. Yes. Sister of Winona is Ashley Judd. Oh, the actress.

SPEAKER_02 4:29

Okay.

SPEAKER_03 4:29

Yeah. Yeah. Okay. So there's the Juds, and then Winona had her own career, which, you know, I think rivals the Juds. So I'm gonna play you a Winona spinoff that I really enjoy. Okay. It's it's a Winona only. She went off on her own in the 90s. Okay. You know, left nail me in the dust, and here we go.

SPEAKER_04 5:00

That's a 900.

SPEAKER_02 5:49

That's good. That's good. That scratches something. Okay. Excellent choice. Excellent choice.

SPEAKER_03 5:59

You would like that. I'm mad at that too. You need to dive deep. Yeah. Dive deep into the I think you're gonna enjoy what you hear. Nothing beats a 90s growly, gravelly kind of I've been out kicking dirt in my boots.

SPEAKER_02 6:15

That was good. Yeah. I like that. I needed that. Need a little kick. Needed a little kick. This week I've been struggling. So I was looking forward to this. It is Friday when we're recording. We did not get an episode out this week.

SPEAKER_03 6:26

That's pretty sure. But you know what? It's okay. We also, I think we'd be remiss not to mention that we reached 300 lists to our big breaking audio. I'm hoping it's not just because audio. I think it's not that. No, it's not definitely not. Has anything to do with that. It has nothing to do with it, it's been take take it down everywhere else. Except us.

SPEAKER_02 6:50

Except here.

SPEAKER_03 6:51

Except here.

SPEAKER_02 6:51

They have not found us yet.

SPEAKER_03 6:52

They haven't found us yet. If they do, we'll know we've made it. Really know we've made it.

SPEAKER_02 6:57

Forget 100 downloads. Forget 200 downloads.

SPEAKER_03 7:01

We're at three, baby.

SPEAKER_02 7:02

I mean, we are women of our word. So we said at 200 downloads. Oh god. Shirts are coming off.

SPEAKER_03 7:07

Shirts are coming.

SPEAKER_01 7:08

Shirts are coming. Taking off the sweatsuit.

unknown 7:12

Uh-oh.

SPEAKER_01 7:13

Take it off the sweatsuit, baby. Here we go.

SPEAKER_03 7:17

Hey, there we go.

SPEAKER_01 7:19

A little sports bra.

SPEAKER_03 7:22

Nice.

SPEAKER_02 7:23

All right, let's pull that back up. I mean, amazing. We'll take it. We will take a viral episode. Let's keep going.

SPEAKER_03 7:36

Let's do it. Thank you. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 7:38

Thank you, everyone, coming to us just for the audio that doesn't exist anywhere else, but we will take it.

SPEAKER_03 7:43

We will take it. You know what? Maybe you hear it, you think, you know what? These gals are a hoot.

unknown 7:52

Scared the crap out of me.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

It's just two arms that came out of your head behind you. That was horrifying. Coming from the duomo just over. Yeah. From the beh.

SPEAKER_03 8:08

Yes. Yes. At least he's not getting out of call right now. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 8:13

Oh my God. We love a shared workspace.

SPEAKER_03 8:15

Love a shared workspace. You know, that's another thing that's been happening around here is we've got construction. So I wasn't fully done unpacking, but kind of. Give us an update. Fuck it, because uh doesn't matter anyway. Everything in the garage is covered in bubble wrap, basically, so that it doesn't get dust on it. Because we're we're working, baby. We're getting uh we're getting that au pair suite started. We're getting a half bath, we're fire horsing the tits off this house.

SPEAKER_02 8:41

Fire horse and your tits. Is everything covered in the garage, including the box of my dead dad stuff that I panic called you through the wake?

SPEAKER_03 8:49

I can't with this again. So yeah, why don't you tell our listener, our 300 listeners, what exactly happened.

SPEAKER_02 9:00

So we moved from Virginia to Poland, and basically we had our options to either move stuff into a storage unit that stays in Virginia or move stuff overseas on a boat where it could fall off, get lost, get ruined, whatever, to come make the trip over to us here, or to travel with the little bit we could on a plane. So it's like three different things. And I have like a box of my dead dad stuff. The most important being the this pair of 70s plaid platform shoes that he wore to the club, the original club. That's amazing. They're amazing. They are his legacy, they're in the city.

SPEAKER_03 9:36

Did he go to Studio 54?

SPEAKER_02 9:38

No, he went to like Connecticut clubs, but still cool. Still still 70s. Still 70s. That's right. New York adjacent. New York adjacent.

SPEAKER_03 9:46

Yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah. Southern Connecticut.

SPEAKER_02 9:50

Yeah, exactly. We were the New York area. The surrounding New York area. The greatest area. I had this stuff, and I was like, I don't want to put it in storage, I don't want it to go in the boat. I don't know what to do. And Mallory so generous generously was like, you can just keep it at my house in my garage. And then it's like insurance that you have to come back and see me before you.

SPEAKER_03 10:10

At that time, I thought I would never move from my house. That was neither did I. Neither do I.

SPEAKER_02 10:15

I said, Great, it'll be so safe there.

SPEAKER_03 10:17

Safe.

SPEAKER_02 10:18

And then Mallory moved in four days, had the idea, up and moved, packed, left.

SPEAKER_03 10:22

That's right.

SPEAKER_02 10:22

And all of a sudden, in the middle of the night this week, I woke up in a sweat, going, Oh my God, the box, like, there's no way that made it. Like, you know, she never mentioned it. She never said, like, hey, don't worry, we move this stuff. I was like, oh my God, it probably got thrown out. I mean, my anxiety is just spiraling. Brandon probably found it. It was like, what was this crap? Threw it in the dumpster. And I'm like frantically texting her. She's dead asleep. It's the middle of two in the morning. And she wakes up and she's like, no, I I think it's fine.

SPEAKER_03 10:51

Yeah. So I was when you woke up. I woke up and just shot out of bed and ran to the garage to look. Because I was like, oh shit. I mean, I'm pretty sure, like, you know, luckily Brandon didn't go through anything or throw anything away. So that wasn't an issue. Yeah. But yeah, I was like, I'm sure it's still there because it looks like a box similar to other boxes we have. So I ran see it. It's there. I'm like, oh, thank God. And so I made a joke to Jackie, like, oh yeah, just who knows if the workers took the shoes though. And she and she's like, but do you think they did? I was like, of course not. What are you talking about? She makes me take my ass back to the garage and prove that these shoes are still there. These seven platform shoes.

SPEAKER_02 11:32

You text me, you're like, Do you really need me to like go down there and like make sure they're there? Like, do you need a picture of them? And I just like, you know the answer to this. Absolutely need you to go down there and send me a picture.

SPEAKER_03 11:44

You be the judge. What do you think? What do you think? You're gonna need proof of life on those shoes. You're gonna need proof now. Yep. So then I put them on and I wore them to the office. You know, they're a big hit. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 11:53

Perfect. Great. Yeah. So we're gonna do that.

SPEAKER_03 11:55

Take them to Milan, the fashion capital of the world, you know. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 11:58

I would love to bring those. I am bringing my dad's Italia, he was Italian sweatshirt to Milan.

SPEAKER_03 12:04

So uh had he ever been to Italy?

SPEAKER_02 12:06

No, he'd never been to Italy. So it's gonna make the trip, god damn it. Nice, very exciting.

SPEAKER_03 12:12

Do you have some of his ashes you could bring? Sprinkle?

SPEAKER_02 12:14

No, no, he's just a bare body buried in the dirt.

SPEAKER_03 12:18

You could break off a finger or something to bring it, but I can tell you digging through your dad's ashes with a shovel to like, you know, part portion it out into baggies is not the best. Wait, they make you to divide it up? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, like if you want, you know, it was in this big thing, and I went, my sister and I got necklaces. My brother wanted some to to take and sprinkle wherever on the golf course. And so I go over there and it's the fucking thing. First of all, it's like got it's in this box that the bottom is screwed on. So I have to unscrew the bottom, then I get it open, and it's in basically this really reinforced plastic bag that's zip tied. So I'm like, oh my god, I have to cut this zip tie. And this is like not very long. This is maybe three months after he's died, right? Brandon's with me, and Brandon's like, I can't do this. Like, this is the type of thing I will fuck up, and like everyone will be staring at me. That'll just be Brandon knows better. He's a smart man. Yeah, I think he's like, I can't. I hate to make you do this, but I can't do it. And I was like, I heard that. Okay, couldn't agree more. Yeah, couldn't agree more. So, yeah, so I got uh got a little spoon out, put some in a baggie for myself, some for my sister. And you know what's tough is there's bigger chunks than others, you know. So you're like, was that like a bone?

SPEAKER_01 13:33

What was little Mallory?

unknown 13:35

No.

SPEAKER_03 13:37

Oh no. So it's like both equal parts sad and very disgusting.

unknown 13:42

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 13:44

That is horrifying.

SPEAKER_03 13:46

It was horrifying. And then I have this little necklace to pour it into, but like it's a small opening, and so some of the bigger pieces like wouldn't fit. And I'm like, oh, I had to sift through it.

SPEAKER_02 13:58

Like wait, pe what do you what do you mean pieces? It's not all just dust. It's not all just dust.

SPEAKER_03 14:05

No, I mean maybe you had to pay extra for the for the dust. I don't know. Maybe my mom took the cheap route and just said, just run it once and we'll take him, you know. I've never heard anyone say they had chunks in theirs. That's not really talked about. I think people probably have more respect for the dead than I do. Because who wants to be like, oh yeah, I got a chunk of my grandma or whatever, you know. But yeah, there's pieces are bigger than others. It's it's it's less like dust and more like rocks.

SPEAKER_01 14:40

No, no, this is no. I think someone just gave you gravel. I don't what did you pay for? It could be. That's not correct.

SPEAKER_03 14:49

This was he didn't die of COVID, but he died during COVID. So there were no room, there was no room at the inn. All right. We he was in a hallway at the funeral home, and we just had to like go view him in the hallway. And so, yeah, who knows? I mean, he could be mixed in with whoever else. I don't know what's what else going on in there.

SPEAKER_02 15:06

Did you ever watch? Probably not, until this is too much. I'll stop talking about it. But there is a very interesting documentary about this guy who in I think it was in California who owned a crematorium and sold the bodies, right? He like he basically just crammed in as many bodies as he could and would burn them all at once and then just give the mixed, like just dole out the like he wasn't giving you, he was just cranking them out like a business.

SPEAKER_03 15:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 15:38

So that like you could have multiple right.

SPEAKER_03 15:42

I mean, you know, I'm not like I I don't have any attachment to that, so I you know, I could get the fuck. I'm not gonna go get the crumbs DNA tested, you know.

SPEAKER_01 15:52

The chunks is really throwing me. It was tough. I was like, Yeah, it was not.

SPEAKER_03 15:58

I expected it to just be like sand, super fine dust.

SPEAKER_02 16:02

I think it's supposed to be.

SPEAKER_03 16:04

I think you go I've I've had this conversation with other people. I think this is common.

SPEAKER_02 16:08

Yeah, I think I did not. This is wow. Yeah, this is blowing my mind.

SPEAKER_03 16:13

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 16:14

I don't know if it did a good way.

SPEAKER_03 16:15

It was tough. It was yeah, that's tough, you know. It was gross. Yeah anyway, we digress. Dark turn.

unknown 16:23

Dark turn.

SPEAKER_03 16:24

Look, I think it's important. You don't want to be surprised. It's I wish I had known, you know.

SPEAKER_02 16:29

I I would have been shocked. I would think it would be just like the finest sand. So that would have absolutely thrown me. So it's good. You're doing the service to the public.

SPEAKER_03 16:39

That you're not getting in Conroe, Texas. I'll say that right now. You know, I think the commitment to excellence from the crematoriums in that that part of the world is not the highest.

SPEAKER_02 16:50

Note it. I want to see the uh Yelp reviews for that crematorium. Have you ever looked them up?

unknown 16:56

Congratulations.

SPEAKER_02 16:57

Do you remember what they were called?

SPEAKER_03 16:59

I do not. I'll have to look.

SPEAKER_02 17:01

Please look it up. Where is it? Where in Texas? I bet I can find it. How many can there be?

SPEAKER_03 17:06

Hold on, hold on. Let me go to my email real quick and I'll find it. Yeah, well.

SPEAKER_02 17:10

Okay. All right, this is for the next episode.

SPEAKER_03 17:12

This is this is the links, real quick. And see, maybe they'll respond towards it.

SPEAKER_02 17:15

So see if we can get it. I want to see what their Yelp reviews are. They're gonna be like, why are you asking?

SPEAKER_03 17:21

And also, that's really inappropriate.

SPEAKER_02 17:24

It's gonna be like Dan's downtown crematorium and guns. And guns. Crematorium and guns and gold. Oh my god. Speaking of sand-like things, so I took Eva to the Polish beach last weekend. It was like 85 degrees here. It's been 30 and rainy since, but it's but it was like 85 degrees summer weather. So I was like, let's go to the beach. We went with her bestie from school and there, her parents, we went to this nice hotel. And I have to say the hotel is in Poland. Maybe it's a thing in the States, and I just missed it, but like there will be so many, and for a very reasonable price, that have like shit there. So like we just went to this hotel, had a really nice pool. It had, for the price of our stay, we got a breakfast buffet and a dinner buffet included. It had a kids' club, it had a bowling alley, it had a like a giant playroom. Oh, yeah. It had like kids' activities. There was a movie night, there was a craft day. Like there wasn't exist here.

SPEAKER_03 18:30

It's certainly not for cheap. I'll tell you that.

SPEAKER_02 18:32

Like it was great. We went to the beach and the the beach was great, small. It reminded me of like Connecticut beaches. There was, I'm gonna send you a picture. There was a gentleman who walked onto the beach, and my American training told me I was like, this this man looked like a mass shooter. Okay. Okay. And I said, We gotta go. Like my my heckles went up and I just like eyeballed him walking the beach and then standing. And I was like, guys, we gotta, we gotta like, we gotta get the kids. We gotta, and they were like, what, what, what is going on? And I was like, there's a guy on this beach, like we gotta go. And they were like, oh, that guy? They're like, he just he looks like a pirate. He's got like a funny outfit on. And I'm like, no, we gotta get the we gotta get the fuck out of here. This guy's gonna take out take down all of us. And they were like, Exactly. They couldn't, they didn't, it didn't even register. They're like, Jack, it's fine. He's just like, he's just dressed funny. I'm gonna send you this picture, and you tell me, or this video of him walking by me, and you tell me, okay, coming at you right now.

SPEAKER_03 19:32

Oh my god, no, no, no. Edward scissor hands, no, thank you.

SPEAKER_02 19:38

This is this is hold on. This is the picture I took of him just straight on. And I it was as he was looking at me, and I was like, Oh, we gotta we gotta go. We gotta run. We gotta get we gotta get out here.

SPEAKER_03 19:47

Oh my god.

unknown 19:48

I know.

SPEAKER_03 19:50

No, no, no, no, no, no.

SPEAKER_02 19:54

Please just describe this man.

SPEAKER_03 19:56

Describe this man. So he is wearing a black leather, I don't know, trench style Dundee hat, and then yeah, a trench coat, and what appears to be a you know, a Rambo style belt of bullets, carrying a monster, and some pretty cool sunglasses, if I'm being honest. Pretty cool sunglasses, yeah. Yeah, yeah. Yeah, black boots, black wow. He's got like a like a carabiner on his on his belt.

SPEAKER_02 20:26

Yeah, black head to toe, long leather trench coat, black hat, black glasses, something going across his chest.

SPEAKER_03 20:32

We're done here.

SPEAKER_02 20:33

We're done here. We gotta go.

SPEAKER_03 20:35

I found the name of the funeral home. Okay, yes.

SPEAKER_02 20:41

Okay, but the crematorium.

SPEAKER_03 20:45

It is a funeral home and crematorium.

SPEAKER_02 20:47

Oh, okay. Because I learned from the documentary that sometimes a lot of them outsource the crematorium. That's how this guy made a lot of money.

SPEAKER_03 20:53

They do their own cooking in-house, you know. Cooking okay, Jesus Christ.

SPEAKER_02 20:59

Okay. All right. You know what? COVID was oh, it was a hard time for everybody.

SPEAKER_03 21:04

All right.

SPEAKER_02 21:04

We were making the best time.

SPEAKER_03 21:07

So they did largely related to their fees.

SPEAKER_02 21:11

Anyone complaining about the quality, the the chunkiness?

SPEAKER_03 21:15

No, a lot of people purchasing cremation plans while they are still alive, which is no thanks. No thanks. You know, nobody's really talking about the consistency of the remains. Would have preferred a finer dust.

SPEAKER_02 21:41

Oh my god. Wish it was specified. Oh yeah. Would have paid more.

SPEAKER_03 21:47

Would have paid more for a finer mill. Would have paid an extra hundred bucks for a fine yeah, a finer mill. Sorry, Dad. Sorry. Sorry, Dad. You know. What was your maiden name?

SPEAKER_01 22:06

Oh, I'm not telling you that. Oh, okay. I was gonna say sorry, Mr. Whatever your maiden name was.

unknown 22:11

Mr.

SPEAKER_03 22:12

Cooper. I was saying Mr. Cooper. Yeah. That's not right. Sorry, Mr. Mallory's dad. You remember? Oh, that's right.

SPEAKER_02 22:18

Pound, pound town.

SPEAKER_03 22:19

Yeah, pound town, pound me in the ass. Oh no. So many options. Endless possibilities. So many options. How did I forget last year? Sorry to Mr. Pound for Mallory Pound. You really Oh, his parents really they no, his parents really did him dirty. His name was Lester. Well, I can't find any reviews about the mill. But yeah, so when he died, this is I really got Brandon good. He, I'm like just, you know, I find out, I get the call, I'm like sobbing, really upset, whatever. And at this time, we had just started talking about having a second kid and like trying for a kid. So I'm like full blown snot, tears, whatever. And I look at Brandon and I was like, if it's a boy, can we name him Lester? And he's like, Well, you know, let's not make any decisions right now. Let's talk about it when you're not grieving. And I just died laughing. I'm like, I'm just fucking with you. No matter how sad I am, there's not a chance in hell out name my child Lester. You're good. Oh, Lester Pound. That's that's rough. That's rough. I know. He apparently got called the molester a lot, as you would, you know. I mean, that's a given. Yeah. Like, yeah, it's set him up, you knock them down, kind of thing. But wow.

SPEAKER_02 23:31

Well, rest in peace, Lester. Rest in peace, Lester. Chunky chunky bags.

SPEAKER_03 23:38

Yep. Yep. Uh oh my gosh. So a friend of my sister's, her dad passed. She sprinkled his ashes on a bowl of weed and smoked it. Smoked her dad's ashes. I mean, that's kind of cool.

SPEAKER_02 23:55

That's kind of cool. I mean, but like she needs to be careful because they use like formaldehyde and embalming, like you're you're yeah.

SPEAKER_03 24:04

Like, no, I mean, you can't just be smoking anything. You can't be smoking your dad.

SPEAKER_02 24:08

Off in fucking chemicals.

SPEAKER_03 24:10

Like, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 24:11

There is a My Strange Addiction that it's a woman, I think it's her husband. Yeah, a woman eating her husband's ashes.

SPEAKER_03 24:21

Oh my god, that is so foul. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_02 24:26

Yeah. Like she'll just like what was that? What was the candy powder?

SPEAKER_03 24:30

She misses him.

SPEAKER_02 24:32

Yeah. And she feels closer to him when he is inside her. Fun dip. Like fun dip. It's a little licky lick and a little dippy dip. And then licky lick again. And then she like measured how much is left and how long it will like last her for. And she was like freaking out that she's gonna run out eventually.

SPEAKER_03 24:52

Oh my god. I can I share my screen with you. Let me see if it'll let me. Oh my god. You just have to see what I'm looking at right now. Oh god. Oh scared. Christ on a seatless bike. You are not ready for this. Okay, allow. Let's see. Oh god, you're gonna throw up. Oh no, I don't want to do I wanna see this. This is gonna be It's not a seeing, it's a reading. Don't worry, there's no pictures.

SPEAKER_02 25:15

Oh, okay. Well, I mean Can you just read it to me? It's not showing me anything. There we go. It's plenty normal for cremated remains to contain small visible fragments or chunks of bone. While often called ashes, they are actually processed bone fragments. Okay. Okay. Alright. Alright. Well, you know what? This episode's taking a really dark turn.

SPEAKER_03 25:38

It took a dark turn. But you know, I think it's important to, you know, just for people to know this. I would have liked a heads up, you know? I had no idea. I had no idea.

SPEAKER_02 25:50

Yeah, it says gray gravel, typically resembling coarse sand or light, brittle gray gravel rather than a fine dust. You know what? I blame the movies. I blame the pictures. The moving pictures. The movie pictures. Because I always thought it was like sandy dust and you blow it and it just lies. All lies. Also, speaking of your dad unfortunately dying during COVID, let's talk about COVID 2.0. Oh my god.

SPEAKER_03 26:17

I can't, I can't. I can't deal with it. And you know what? You know what? I fucking blame cruise ships. This shit doesn't happen on land. You know what doesn't happen? Like people getting locked in their rooms with their own shit for a week, people spreading something called hetavirus and dying. I mean, we need to stop. It's enough with the cruises. You know?

SPEAKER_02 26:37

It's enough with the cruises. I'm this pisses me off. So there's this fucking hantavirus or whatever it is. There was this like 40-day cruise that stopped on some remote island and some fucking people turds or something. Went to some animal turds, landfill or some shit, and got this disease from some rats, brought it back on the boat. Three people died. And what pisses me off is that they let off one of the deceased, plus the person they were with, plus like 30 other people, like two weeks ago, who were like, I want to get the fuck off this boat. And they're gone. They're all back to their countries. And now the boat is like locked down. Well, now it's too late, boo-boo. Now it's too late.

SPEAKER_03 27:18

Right, right.

SPEAKER_02 27:19

It's out. It's out. Let everyone else go at this point. It's and they're just trying to find them down and do contact tracing and then suggesting that they quarantine, self-quarantine. Oh, okay. We've been we've done this before.

SPEAKER_03 27:31

I know you're gonna suggest you they self-quarantine while you keep the remainder of the people on the boat. Like if we don't care about people's rights, why don't we just put them back on the boat? Grab them up, put them back on the boat. Sorry. You thought you got it, but you didn't.

SPEAKER_02 27:45

If you're gonna sign up for a 45-day cruise, like your ass better stay on that boat until you're all healthy. I don't want you getting off. I don't care.

SPEAKER_03 27:54

You signed up for that. They have to be old, right? Who is going on a 45-day cruise but old?

SPEAKER_02 28:00

Yeah, I think they were like 50s to 60s. But there's like one younger, I say younger, he's probably our age, but I'm gonna say younger, like gay guy on there who keeps like who has like a big, I don't know, Instagram and goes on cruises and has been putting out like videos and is just like, we're people too. And it's like too bad, too fucking bad.

SPEAKER_03 28:19

Stay on the boat. And this is another it's you know, it's not just cruise ships, it's boomers, you know? How dare you? Double wearing put in our faces that you have money to go on a 45-day cruise when like Gen Z is never gonna be able to own a house, you know. And you you're out here telling us, you know, just pick yourself up by the bootstraps, go on a cruise, give everybody hint of virus, come home, spread it around all your grandkids. Get the fuck out of here.

SPEAKER_02 28:46

I can't. I I I rebuke this. I rebuke this.

SPEAKER_03 28:49

I do too.

SPEAKER_02 28:50

I'm getting on a plane next week. I am going to Italy. I don't I don't care. I'm not living.

SPEAKER_03 28:56

You know what we're not gonna do? Go to any live animal markets. We're not gonna go to some weird, you know, landfill where there's god knows what kind of animal feces. Like, none of that's happening.

SPEAKER_02 29:07

The only animals we're gonna be around are dead ones made into purses and shoes. 100% in vintage markets.

SPEAKER_03 29:15

That's maybe a belt. Maybe it's we don't know. We don't know. Who knows? Who knows? Who knows? I'm bringing the big suitcase so I can bring it all back home with me.

SPEAKER_02 29:25

But yeah, I can't. I don't want to hear this all today. I'm like, no, no, no, no, no. Okay, first of all, we're already Mallory and I this week, we're like, let's see how warm and sunny it's gonna be. I'm gonna start packing. It is rain. The whole fucking time it is rain.

SPEAKER_03 29:36

No, I object that too. These are first world problems. But it is rain. Rebuke the rain in Milan.

SPEAKER_02 29:42

Rebuke the rain. I rebuke an antivirus. I rebuke it all.

SPEAKER_03 29:46

Yes, God did not bless the rain down in Milan. Maybe in Africa, not in Milan.

SPEAKER_02 29:51

Not in Milan. Not in Milan. It's fine. We're gonna have an amazing time.

SPEAKER_03 29:54

We are lucky. We are blessed. I am concerned that if it rains the whole time, we will do nothing but shop and I will have no money to pay the contractors. You know, we're just gonna see what happens.

SPEAKER_02 30:09

See what happens. Oh, I've tell you about my about peanuts. So I have so this week I'm your new pet. My new my new outdoor pet. So we have this like big patio that's connected to other like patios in our apartment. And there's a fucking like bird just chilling on the pet, like sitting and like walking around and like sitting. And my daughter and I are like, oh my god, that's so cute, but it's not flying away, but it doesn't look injured. And then it kind of tuckles in under a chair and it just sleeps there for the whole night. And I'm like, oh god, maybe it's injured, maybe it's something. So I contact our translator. I'm like, we might need to call the municipal police tomorrow to come get the bird and bring it to the or the rescue people, which I've done now twice since being here. The first time didn't go so great. I think I told the story on the podcast, but when they came, the bird was gone. And then my husband made my daughter tell them that there actually was never a bird, and mommy made it up, and so they thought it was so that went well. So I was you know, I get them to come the next day, and three of them show up. Okay. And this is the municipal police. This isn't like the Polish PD. This is this is the mock. This is the Yeah, this is the mock ops. So three of them show up, and I'm like, this fucking bird has to be here, or I'm gonna be blacklisted.

SPEAKER_03 31:24

They're never gonna take a call from you again.

SPEAKER_02 31:25

They're never gonna take a call from me again. So they come in. Luckily, the head one speaks English. I find the bird, he's like two houses down, but you can it's it's all connected by these little fences, but you have to hop these little like divider fence things. And this guy, he's not looking to break a sweat. So he's looking at me like, I gotta fucking hop over this shit. So I get him a little step stool. And like, if I had brought my husband a step stool to get over a three-foot little divider, he would have been like, take that shit back. But this cop was like, Yeah, I'll take the step stool.

SPEAKER_03 31:56

Yeah, yeah.

unknown 31:58

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 31:59

So he like used it and then took it with him to the next one and used it again. Picked up the bird, looked at it, put it back down, came back over, and I'm like, Why are you bringing the bird? He was like, Oh, it's uh well, first I tell him, because I've been observing this bird for like 24 hours, and I'm like, I th and and Googling. I was like, I think it's a a young, like a baby pigeon, because its feathers are very fluffy and it doesn't have the full coloring. And he he's like, No, no, no, it's it's big birds, it's adult birds. I'm like, okay. So he goes over, he comes back, he goes, It's a baby bird. I'm like, yeah. Yeah, no shit. Fucking said. I've been googling this bird for the last 24 hours. I know it's birded.

SPEAKER_03 32:34

Do you know more than Google? Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 32:35

Do you know more than Google? No. So he's like, it's young bird. I think it's it's not injured. It's just, I think it's just learning to fly. I'm like, okay. Well, do you wanna like put it on the ground? It's trapped on our patios. He was like, No, it's safer up here. He was like, the parents are probably in the tree watching it, like, just let nature do its thing. We're out of here. I'm like, okay, great. He leaves, and I'm like, now I gotta worry. Now I gotta take care of this fucking bird. This am I? I gotta take care of someone else's kid on my patio, and my kid.

SPEAKER_03 33:04

But see, you don't have to take care of it. But you've invested a lot of time in this for somebody got shit to do with you.

SPEAKER_02 33:12

I'm so invested in this bird. My daughter has named it. We bought it food, and I'm like, I haven't seen the parents once. And of course, the police leave, and guess who shows up on my fucking porch? Mom or dad, delinquent parent. I'm like, where the fuck have you been all night? I've been up with your child on my porch, and where have you been? Out drinking, out drinking, out doing something. So that was like five days ago. This bird's still on my porch, and it like keeps trying to fly. It doesn't. I've bought it peanuts, I've bought it seeds, it kind of just walks from porch to porch. I don't know how much longer to give it. I'm gonna give it till Monday.

SPEAKER_03 33:45

Till you do what?

SPEAKER_02 33:46

Call him back. Oh my god, Jackie. I think you need to stop. Mallory, it's either I cut the hair or I invest it in the bird.

SPEAKER_03 33:56

I know, I know. I think maybe we circle back to therapy, is what I think. You know?

SPEAKER_02 34:03

No, I'm fine. I just need this bird to learn how to how do I teach a bird to fly?

SPEAKER_03 34:09

Can I teach to fly? You don't. I think this is where love with love, you need to stop. Put the scissors down, put the bird feet down, put the phone down, just stop. So I'm gonna need it to fly before I leave for this trip. No, absolutely not. No. What are you gonna do? We're gonna call them and be like, this bird hasn't learned to fly, and they're gonna be like, okay, sorry.

SPEAKER_02 34:37

Like, come back.

SPEAKER_03 34:38

What do you want them to do? Take it out back and murder it?

SPEAKER_02 34:41

No, but bring it to maybe it needs help. Maybe bring it to this the sanctuary and it can learn there.

SPEAKER_03 34:47

Have you been out there like, look, I'm a dry.

unknown 34:50

I'm a dry.

SPEAKER_02 34:52

Like, like this, this. And sometimes it goes to the the one next to me is like doesn't have any furniture on it. So sometimes it does little laps there, and I'm like, oh good, it's training, it's gonna like go. Because mine has too much furniture, so it can't like run. And I'm like, maybe you just need like the run. So Eva will be like, where's the bird? And I'm like, he's he's working out, he's training down the other end, and then he comes back to us for food. So I love it.

SPEAKER_03 35:14

I love how on the few times this week when you've been like can't record today. This is what's been going on. I gotta monitor peanuts and teach it how to fly. I like how you're like, How am I supposed to teach a bird to fly? Like that is obviously the next step here.

SPEAKER_02 35:34

Obviously. This bird came to me, and now it is my responsibility. Because it's parents, I don't know where they're gone. So I'm basically a foster mom to this bird at this point.

SPEAKER_03 35:44

I mean, you know where you could shift your energy is our social media, you know? Post something. I was really weighed down with this this week. I had a lot going on. You're like, I am exhausted from being a single parent to not only Eva, but Peanuts. Peanuts. That was not pumpkins.

SPEAKER_02 36:19

To Eva and now peanuts. Oh my god. And then I deal with hantavirus, and it's just it's been a lot. It's been a long week.

SPEAKER_03 36:27

I think you might be taking on things that aren't for you, you know. Do you wonder why your neighbors haven't, you know, called anybody or done anything? Has that occurred to you since peanuts is on everybody's porch, not just yours?

SPEAKER_02 36:44

Well, the one to the right of me is an older couple who has shooed peanuts off a bunch of times. And then the ones to the left of me have three cats that sometimes come out, and one of them came onto my porch because they smelled all the bird poop and were looking for peanuts. And I was like, Peanuts, you have to stay away from that porch. You can't be going down that street. That's a bad street. You need to go that way, is a little better. So I'm more I'm worried she's gonna get like in the wrong neighborhood on this porch and get got.

SPEAKER_03 37:11

Yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:12

So I gotta keep her off that porch. It's a lot, it's a lot to keep up with her.

SPEAKER_03 37:15

I didn't realize you were going through all this, so I'm sorry. I you know, I have been as sensitive as I should have been. I did not realize all the weight that you were carrying this week, you know. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:27

So now the listeners understand why there was no episode this week because Yeah.

SPEAKER_03 37:31

And why you had to keep cutting your hair. It's like you can't get rid of the mental weight, but you can get rid of physical weight. So, you know, it's like emotional cutting. It is emotional cutting.

SPEAKER_02 37:42

That's not like my hair.

SPEAKER_03 37:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 37:44

So that's where I'm at. That's where Matt. I'm ready for this trip. I'm ready to get away from the kid, the bird.

SPEAKER_03 37:49

I'm gonna hold for you until we get there. You know, I'm gonna find of what you're going through. Yeah, you don't hold anything.

SPEAKER_02 37:58

Don't hold the scissors, don't I've locked all the scissors away. Uh more scissors. Can't do it. So I'm ready to turn this week around. Let's do it. And we're gonna record in person, which will be amazing. Yeah. I got I'm so excited. Next episode, we will be together. All right, Mallory. This is this this was good. I needed this. I needed this for the soul. Sorry, this took a dark turn, everybody. Maybe that's just the headspace we were we were in.

SPEAKER_03 38:22

If the cremation talk makes you uncomfortable, I apologize, you know. Apologize. I do.

SPEAKER_02 38:28

But thank you for listening. Welcome to all our new listeners.

SPEAKER_03 38:30

We don't usually talk about cremation and COVID. Yeah, I mean, I don't say what we should or shouldn't, what we usually do, you know, because we talk about all kinds of stuff, you know.

SPEAKER_02 38:39

We talk about all kinds of stuff. You never know where where our catch-ups are gonna go. That's the joy of this podcast. We don't know. Yeah, it's the journey for us all. In case you couldn't tell, we don't have a blueprint for these. This is a real catch-up.

SPEAKER_05 38:54

So it is it is amazing.

SPEAKER_02 38:56

All right, well, follow us on social media. I'll post something now that you you know took me to the red table. Now that you shamed me.

SPEAKER_01 39:03

Now that's the red table.

SPEAKER_02 39:05

I will get back to posting on our socials.

SPEAKER_01 39:08

Yes.

SPEAKER_02 39:09

Uh you know what? Next week, when we get to Italy, I'm handing it over to you. You can have my phone and you can post the shit out of it.

SPEAKER_03 39:16

You have to post the picture of the guy on the beach first and for. Oh, yes. Yes, I must. Yes. Yeah. Everybody needs to see that.

unknown 39:24

Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 39:25

Yeah. I also have some, I was doing some random scrolling on my phone the other night and found, because I was thinking of our last episode, my footage of Tom Sandoval and the most extras.

SPEAKER_03 39:34

Oh, yeah. No, we need to like it is, yeah. I need to post it. I found videos of I wonder if there's a instead of the sound on emoji, is there a sound off emoji? Turn your sound off for this one. Turn your sound down for this one. You're not gonna want to hear this.

SPEAKER_02 39:52

Yeah. It's pretty and now in being in the midst of the summer house drama, there's a clip I sent Mallory where I was like, oh shit. And it's him being like, Thank you guys so much for coming out and supporting me. This has been such a hard year. Like, it's been so hard, but you just gotta keep going. And I'm like, man, remember when he was the worst person on Bravo? Look where we are now. Yeah, I know.

SPEAKER_03 40:12

Look where we'll see what I think we've got a few weeks till the reunion, but you know, we'll be watching every second until then. Can't not wait.

SPEAKER_02 40:20

All right, guys, follow us at a Kiki CatchUp on Instagram. Keep listening to us here on the podcast. We love it. Please comment and talk to us and tell us how fucked up we are after this episode.

SPEAKER_03 40:33

Yeah. And if you have any cremated loved ones, please tell us the consistency. Just drop in the comments the consistency of you know, your loved ones action. Alright, we're gonna get the fuck out of here.

SPEAKER_04 40:48

Bye. Bye. It's a kicky cat.