Diarrhea Lettuce And Clam Pies

WHERE IS MITCH MCCONNELL. The ladies are back from their Summer vacays and catching up on all the things. Mallory declares herself a newly minted "Coastie" after her jaunt in New England while Jackie's still in recovery after her explosive return to Poland. We give the download on what happened on our NYC meetup after we recorded the last episode, and deep dive into the birth of Facetune, the curse of "mystery bags", and the plight of airline travel. 

Transcript

SPEAKER_00 0:03

Hey Mallory. Hey Jackie. How are you doing? Hey girlfriend. How are you doing? Poland's good. Poland's popping. Poland's popping. It you left the land of the free, the home of the brave for the last one song. Now you're a summer big. Here we go. Here we go.

SPEAKER_01 0:28

Yeah, we haven't stopped. We've hit the ground running. I look, I look tarred in this camera right now. I look tired.

SPEAKER_00 0:33

And I am. Well, you know what? We both we get on the zoom and we take that correct my appearance. You know? I slip that max that out. That bars it out.

unknown 0:44

Yep.

SPEAKER_00 0:44

Yeah, gonna go all the way. Max that shit out. Yep.

SPEAKER_01 0:50

I saw came on my when I was scrolling. There was like an old music video of Celine Dion where she was FaceTuned to within an inch of her life.

SPEAKER_00 1:00

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_01 1:00

And like everyone was like, this must be where Facetune came from.

SPEAKER_00 1:03

Facetune was like, I could do that to everybody. She invented it. Yeah. I mean, good for her. Slay amazing. I mean, nobody has Facetuned quite like, and this is an obscure reference for those not in the Bravo sphere and not deep in the Bravo sphere, but Adrian Malouf of the Malof family. I this woman is probably mid to late 50s, maybe even early 60s. 60s now. Yeah. She face tunes herself within an inch of her life. I mean, she looks 14 in her pictures. It's not like she's making herself look 30. We're talking like she looks like she's underage.

SPEAKER_02 1:45

Oh my god.

SPEAKER_00 1:46

That is so funny. I'm looking, I'm just looking at her age right now. I want to say 63. Is it gonna be 64? Ooh, I was close. Wow. Price is right. Rules, you price is right.

SPEAKER_01 1:57

Nailed it. Another Bravo person who uh uh commits face tune crimes against humanity, Patty Stanger from Million Dollar Matchmaker.

SPEAKER_00 2:08

Oh, have you ever looked at she commits all sorts of crimes? She looks like she had she had Marilago face 10 years before Marilago face was a thing. She is like Laura Loomer took her picture to the doctor and said, give me the Patty Stanger. It's really unfair to call it Mary-Lago face. They should call it the Patty Stanger face because she's had it for a long time.

SPEAKER_01 2:28

She's had it for a long time. And her yeah, like her FaceTune post. I mean, it's just it's I I can't even imagine now.

SPEAKER_00 2:35

I have not been in her page in years. But before AI was even a thing, she was just a full different face on her face. I imagine that she's like she's a nut. Absolutely completely nuts. Before the shit out of her show. That show was if you can suspend your feminism and your sense of moral right and wrong, values, yeah, then you can enjoy her show. You just have to suspend that for an hour. And it's great TV. It is. She was a million-dollar matchmaker. She would matchmake pervy old men, pervy awkward old men with young girls and make them get their hair dyed and thing. Always making people dye their hair blonde. Always tell them to lose weight. Did you ever read her book? Oh, God, no. You read her book? Oh, Jesus. See, this is what happened. I think I really benefited from finding my spouse, you know, day one of college because I was never like, huh, how do I get a guy? I'll read Patty Stanger's book.

SPEAKER_01 3:36

I not only read that book, but I will attribute hooking my husband to No, stop it. I went for our first date to meet him in London because we're extra like that. And I remember in her book, one of the things was to for your nail color to be the color of love. So either pink or red. And I had mine red. And like to find your power colors and only wear your power colors. So I only packed like blue and like jewel tones and power colors. I mean, you are an auto. Yeah. That shit worked.

SPEAKER_00 4:15

Wow. Yeah. So thank you, Patty Stanger. Thank you, Patty Stinger. You racist, sexist piece of shit. Thank you. Thank you so much. Love you. Love you. Love you. We have a lot to talk about. Before we get into all that, I got a song for you. I think you're going to like it. Okay. This one is called Ready to Look It Up? Oh, yeah. Yeah. I'm ready. Joe D Messina. Absolutely not. Okay. Really Queen of 90s Country, Joe D. Oh, a lady. Okay. And it's Joe Space D D E E. Okay. So Joe D. Yeah. Yeah. This one's bye-bye. Oh, yeah. You're going to love this one. Oh, she's 90s looking. She's so cool, right? She's got like a gold metallic, like trench. Yeah. She's like heart. She's like heart. She's like heart. Yeah.

SPEAKER_02 5:07

Good.

SPEAKER_00 5:09

Probably never heard of this woman.

SPEAKER_01 5:15

Oh. She's so Rachel Green coated in this video. She has the Rachel Green hair. Like a knotted up flannel. Sounds like the Dixie Jigs.

SPEAKER_02 5:45

Oh, I like this one.

SPEAKER_00 5:52

Oh, she's a vibe. All right. She's fun. Oh, we need to post some Joe D. Messina. Yeah. She looks. Yes. Yes. She's like rocker chip. Yeah. Love her. She does it. She's a big friends fan. She is very green coated. I think maybe she was the info. You know? Yeah. Wow. Yeah. I know. She seriously never made it up to Connecticut. This is what I'm saying. What people, I don't think people get it. 90 Country was simply the best. Like it was the songs were about stuff. There was a song I was going to play for you, and I won't play it because the name pretty much gives away the gist of the song, but it's called Did I Shave My Legs for This? And it's about her talking about getting all dolled up, ready to have sex with her husband, but he just wants to watch the game. And at the end, she's like, Did I shave my legs for lips? Like it's amazing. Instead of just like bear, truck, sister. Yeah. Have sex with my sister today. You know? Well, what you've been up to since you got back to Poland. Oh, I guess we haven't talked about, yeah, our last day and a half in New York. New York. In the yoke. In the yoke. Yeah. So we we finished recording the pod. And then what did we do? We told those girls it's bedtime. Right? Is that what we did?

SPEAKER_01 7:14

What did we finish recording? No, we finished recording the pod, and we thought we were going to be able to tell those girls it's bedtime, we're out. And then at like five o'clock, they were like, we want to do something. And we want to go somewhere.

SPEAKER_00 7:25

We've nothing on the itinerary, ladies. We've got nothing left to give. To give. So we so we Google searched and we found the museum of illusion. The museum of illusions. I forgot about the museum of illusions. The illusion. Oh my god, here worth your money. Right. The illusion that you just had $30 and now it's mysteriously gone. It's mysteriously gone. Per person.

unknown 7:48

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 7:50

Or 45 minutes of fun. Yep. Mm-hmm. Yeah. Pretty much. Yeah. And there was this prism thing where you could like take pictures through it and it made your face look all weird. And I showed that picture to Leo and he was traumatized. He cried. He's like, delete that picture. He's asked me about it multiple times. He can't get out of his head. He's like, never go to the Museum of Illusions again, Mama. And I'm like, Well not. But as we're taking pictures in this thing, Eliza tries to slide me my phone. And it's a long prism. Like it's very long. It's a very long tube. And she tries to slide me my phone and it just gets stuck in the middle. So I was like, all right, well, you're you're going in after it. So I picked her up, put her in head first, shoved her right into the tunnel. She snatched it. She got it. Good as gold. Yeah. There was like one cleaning room.

SPEAKER_01 8:36

That was cool.

SPEAKER_00 8:36

Oh, yeah, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:37

Then there was another room we literally couldn't figure out. So that one was broken. We did it, did nothing. Broken. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 8:44

The girls really liked there was a room. You closed the door and it was just all mirrors. Yeah. And that was fun. Yeah. We did a lot of dance parties in there. A lot of dance parties. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. There was like one where you were in a box and it looked like your head was on a platter kind of thing.

SPEAKER_01 8:57

Mm-hmm.

SPEAKER_00 8:58

Um pretty big waste of money. Pretty big waste of money. Yeah. Would not recommend. Definitely would not recommend. Thought we would be in there for like two hours. We'd be in there for about 37. Yeah. And I did not, I did not run this by Brandon. And he was like, oh, we did that in DC. It sucked. I was like, oh, great. Yeah. Should have asked you before. We all forked out 30 bucks a person for it. Great. Okay. What else? What else do we do? What's next? Yeah. We walked to Chelsea Market, which is really not a place for children either. No. Once you get off the beaten path in New York, it is hard to find stuff for little kids, you know, outside of Pacific Playground. And if the weather was better and we had more life to us, like the high line, we were right there, would have been great. Yeah, it would have been cool. Yeah. But these girls were in overtime. They were they were tapped. We had a few meltdowns in Chelsea Market. I think all of us did. All three of ours. All six of us. We ended. I don't remember what happened. Oh, yeah. They each wanted this like surprise K-pop demon hunter. I I will never forgive companies for making a goddamn mystery bag. I will never forgive them. Whoever came up with that, take them outside and shoot them. I I cannot. Because you know what? It's never the one they want. It's never the one they want. Never. That's what it was. She got a K-pop demon hunter mystery, and they put in one of the fucking Saja boys. Nobody wants a Saja boy. Don't even make it. Don't even make it. And it wasn't even the good one. It wasn't even Ringju or New Jew or whatever the hell his name is. She knew. It wasn't even him. It was like baby. It was baby Saja. Oh, I was like, You've got to be kidding me. She was already teetering, and then that just sent her over the edge. And so she cried.

SPEAKER_01 10:33

They were talking teetering.

SPEAKER_00 10:34

All three of them requested to be held. We were holding our giant six-year-olds. All three of us. Not mine. My was wishing death to me and my lineage and my family for getting the wrong mystery for not getting the one she wanted, even though we could not see the insides. Right. We were all feeling them up. We were just feeling, feeling, feeling, feeling like that. We wanted the fucking cat.

SPEAKER_01 10:54

And we couldn't couldn't get it. She opened it. It was, it wasn't even baby. I don't even know what, but mystery. It was mystery.

SPEAKER_00 11:00

And she was like, this was the one, just gaslighting the shit out of herself. She was like, This was the one I really wanted. And I'm like, no, it's not. No, it's not. Yeah, but that's fine. I mean, good. Tell yourself that. Yeah. And she bought it self-10 minutes.

SPEAKER_01 11:10

She bought it for about 10 minutes.

SPEAKER_00 11:11

And then she said, This is the one I wanted. Oh, yeah. I know. And Josie got the one. Yeah. Josie got the best. Josie got the one that everyone wanted. Yeah. She got the stops. She got two good pulls. And Eliza and Eva were just got crap. For clumped. Yeah. It was clumped. And then we're waiting for three minutes for the longest butter noodles for poor Eliza. It was not butter noodles. It was actual spaghetti. And that was handmade. I watched them handmake it. It was so good. She ate the shit out of it. Which is great because you guys got hot dogs, and you know, she's not going to eat a hot dog. But speaking of hot dogs, a kindly gentleman at the beach in Connecticut offered us a hot dog after we've been trying to catch a crab for an hour. And within 10 minutes, caught a crab with the cat with this man's hot dog. Oh, as as the bait. As the bait. Look at that.

unknown 11:59

Look at that.

SPEAKER_00 11:59

Those crabs now. Crabs love hot dogs. Crabs love hot dogs.

unknown 12:03

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 12:03

So we got the noodles, we get back, we make them shove her in her, make her shove them in her face, and she still is, you know, a little teary about getting a bad pull. Yeah. Then I don't know. We let them dick off for a bit and then sent them to sleep. And then just like, yep. Yeah. And I slept in there again because nobody else volunteered. You did escape. We didn't. That's right. I did escape. We broke your link. Yeah. I did. Every time one of them spoke, I was like, Josie, face the wall. Eva, no more talking. Valerie's just texting us this time. We did leave our phones on because we were playing for escape, but she's just texting.

SPEAKER_01 12:35

Like, like, I've already threatened all three of their lives. We're like, it's fine. Keep going. You're doing great, sweetie.

SPEAKER_00 12:40

I know. Well, at one point, Eliza's facing me, just tears, because Josie and Eva are hugging and whispering to each other. And I was like, girls, that is so mean. Enough. And Josie's like, we're not whispering about her. I was like, all right, wow, this starts young, doesn't it? And then they kept going, and Eliza's like, Mommy, they're still doing it. I'm like, I can hear them, and we will separate you. I was like, Josie, you will be in there with your mom. Eva, you will be in here with your mom. Eliza, you will be on this couch with me. God help me. And then they all just, you know, shook in fear until they fell asleep. The gentle rocking of their fear-riddled bodies put them softly to sleep. Beautiful work. Truly beautiful work. And I sneaked out and we had some more wine, and then that was it. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 13:25

Catherine and I were like, you have carte blanche to do whatever you need to do to our children to get them to bed. Good luck.

SPEAKER_00 13:29

Yeah, no physical violence, but you know, a lot of verbal. A lot of verbal. A lot of verbal. A lot of verbal. All my gentle parenting just floated out of the old body. Yeah. Right out that 33rd story window. Right out of. Yeah. Yep. Yep. Exactly. Three 33 stories. Then breakfast the next morning. Couldn't we? Let me tell you, there were two, two, two, two. Count them. Two elevators for like 60 floors. Okay. We had stood there for not less than 15 minutes. Yeah. Waiting for an elevator. With a group of people. So I was like, yeah. And we weren't even sure we'd get on it that time, you know? No. So I was like, let's just take the stairs. It's downstairs. It's not upstairs. It's downstairs. I'm the one with the bum me. Three-three floors. Yeah. Well, Jackie and Eva, you know, pushed out around floor 20, I would say. Yeah, we said, fuck this. Yeah, you did. I know. Eliza and Josie are like, we're gonna get to the bottom so fast. And Eva's like, my legs hurt. That's really good. Then we got to the bottom. And Catherine, tall, beautiful Catherine, best shape of any of us, like just athlete to the max, is like, my thighs are shaking. I'm like, guys, what is going on here? Went downstairs. Mallory blew us away. I've never seen anything like it. So America. I guess we have too many flats. I know. Flats here in Poland. We don't do nothing. Too many. I know. It was it was the down. I wasn't making you go up. I know, but I was feeling it after floor 20 of going down. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:02

We tried to jump ship and get an elevator. We and we got the elevator and it was fucking full. And so we were like, all right, we got like 10 more flights, we'll just go. And then we did the rest. And then the next day, or that night, we flew that night. Yeah, the next morning when we landed in the first airport, Eva was like, my legs hurt. My calves hurt so much, mommy. Why? Why? Like so freaked out.

SPEAKER_00 15:21

I'm like, because we did 33 flights of stairs, honey. She's like, no, because we went down 33 flights of stairs. Down 33 stairs. She was like, Do yours hurt? I was like, I hurt.

unknown 15:30

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:30

She was like, Jackie's like curled up into a ball on the stairs. Like, just push me. Just push me down. I'll roll. I'll just roll. I'll just slide in my bottom all the way down. Yeah.

unknown 15:38

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:39

So we got to breakfast, huffing and puffing and sweating and shaking. Physically shaking. Yeah.

unknown 15:44

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:44

And then it was time to leave, and it was a sad goodbye for the girls. And Josie and Eva have been besties. Like they've always kind of been besties. And Eliza's like in and out of the group.

SPEAKER_02 15:55

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 15:56

They were in class together for two years. Yeah. And Eliza kind of peeks at her head in and out. But it was just so funny because, like, we get to the train station and Josie's like, it's really sad. And oh, I just really miss Eva. And Eliza's like, me too. I was like, I mean, Eliza, we're putting it on a little thing. Okay. I know you like Eva, but like you hang out maybe six times before she ever moved. Like, all right, let's dial it down, you know? And Eliza just would be like, ready to talk about something else. And Josie's like, I can't. I'm just so sad about Eva. And Eliza's like, oh yeah, yeah, totally. Yeah. Oh, mommy, I'm so sad. I was like, okay. Yeah, sure. Playing it on. It's meant for the stage there, girl. She's meant for the stay. She is. She is. Yeah. Everybody was buying it. Catherine's like, oh my gosh, they're both so sad. I was like, one of them is. The other one would, she's probably ready to play with dolls or whatever. You know, watch some TV on the train. She's gonna make it. No, we loaded them into the cab and watched you drive away, and Eva chased the cab and then broke down on the crying. It was lazy. Poor thing. Poor thing.

SPEAKER_01 16:58

But then we got on the subway and we saw a live rat. And so that was nice. Yeah. That was really top top tier. Oh, yeah. Oh, that's awesome.

SPEAKER_00 17:07

You know, the rats they don't come when you want them. They come when you need them. They come when you need them. They come when you need them. We needed it. And yeah, they're not the hero you want, they're the hero you need. You know, like Batman says. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:19

There goes my hero. Gotcha, mass. Here you go.

SPEAKER_00 17:26

Yeah, yeah. Love it. Yeah, I love it. It's so funny. They were talking about one of one of Eva's friends from home. They were like, Oh, Nadia. Even though what is her name? It has to be Nadia. It's her only friend here. Nadia. Yeah. She's like, they both, both Eliza and Josie are like, or Josie at one point, we just kept talking about how much she missed Eva. And Eliza finally goes, even though she said Nadia was her best friend more than you, I was like, damn, Eliza, cold blooded. Eliza's like, all right, let's enough of the charade. And Josie's like, well, yeah, she did say that, but you know.

SPEAKER_01 18:00

She's like, I remember what you two fuckers did last night.

SPEAKER_00 18:02

Yeah, yeah. She's like, I've been I've been having this one locked and loaded ever since even with you forever, Josie. It's a new bitch in town. I know. Oh, it really cracked me up. Really cracked me up. Well, maybe it was the British daughter. I think that's who it was. Freya? Breya. Yes, yes, yes. Freya. Yes. That's what she said. Freya, even though she likes Freya better than you. Yeah, that's a buzz. Even though she's a good thing. I know Freya's really ranking.

SPEAKER_01 18:30

Oh, they're at the pool. And I think Freya was talking about another Eliza that's here, but Eva came over and was like, Mom, where does Eliza live? And I was like, in the US.

SPEAKER_00 18:40

She was like, see, Freya, I told you Eliza doesn't live in Poland. They're like, there's more than one Eliza in the world. There could only be one Eliza. And she doesn't have to live. There's only one. Yeah. I sent that bitch packing. I've already said goodbye to her. I can't do it again. Yeah. I can't do it again. Not now, Freya. Even though you are my bestest friend.

SPEAKER_01 19:00

So I did need to update you on. So we departed you. Even I killed some time in New York.

SPEAKER_00 19:05

Then we headed to we headed to Newark right as right as the big game was happening. We get to Newark. And flying. One of the worst airports in America. Ever. And we flew United. One of the worst airlines. The worst airline and the worst airport. Oh my God. With the worst people. Never again. Never again. It's tough.

SPEAKER_01 19:23

So we flew Swiss Air down. And Swiss Air was a delight.

SPEAKER_00 19:26

I paid to check one bag. They offered to check all our bags for free. Perfect. Very nice staff. Just chef's kiss. Gave us Swiss chocolates on the plane. Couldn't recommend it enough. Probably women and children first, kind of thing. Yeah. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. We get to Newark, Flying United with a layover, and then the second half was Lufthansa, but they're like they're like joint companies. Yeah. Brother companies, brother husbands, sister wives, whatever you call it. Yeah, they're sister wives. They're sisters. They're sister wives. Sister from another mister. Sister from another mister. So they're supposed to, you booked it, I booked it all together. Underwater. Sister. Sister. Never knew how much. I missed, yeah.

SPEAKER_01 20:03

And I got my big boy. And this thing, in my mind, weighed somewhere between 75 to 100 pounds.

SPEAKER_00 20:10

I mean, this thing was big. You had beans. Jackie took home a myriad of beans. Have you been rationing the beans, or do we eat them all at first blush? We did not make the beans all did not make it. Oh no, you had to unload some beans. I had to unload some beans. So we get there and I'm I'm hoping to pull. So I have with me like our military orders, everything, because United's supposed to wave your baggage if you're traveling on military orders, which we are, because we live in Poland and that's our orders. Yeah, yeah. So I'm like, that is gonna be my saving graces. I'm gonna just milk, I'm gonna give them everything and hope I get a nice person who's like, okay, wave it.

SPEAKER_01 20:42

So I go to the baggage check-in kiosk, and it I it gets to that point, and so I have to flag someone over and I get a nice lady and I show her the orders and she's like, okay, okay, and she's clicking all the stuff.

SPEAKER_00 20:51

So I'm like, whoo, okay, I'm gonna do it, I'm gonna get it waived because it's telling me it wants to charge me a thousand dollars for my big bag and my two other check-in bags for three bags, a thousand dollars. And I'm like, okay, well, I'm not paying that. So she like puts it through and knocks it to like 500.

SPEAKER_01 21:10

And she's like, that's so weird. It won't like it won't take it off for your your layover. She was like, is your layover united? I was like, well, it's Luftanza. She was like, Oh, yeah, they don't, they're a German airline, they don't go by the same military rules.

SPEAKER_00 21:23

I was like, but I booked it through United. It's with United. Like you're the same, your sister wives. Right. Yeah. She was like, Yeah, you're gonna have to go to the like counter and see if you could talk to them. I can't do anything about that. And I'm like, well, fuck me. I'm not paying $500 for these bags. So look at that we had gotten the airplane. Beans, plenty of time for fucking beans for refried, for refried and baked beans. So two varieties. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 21:47

Two varieties. So I drag Eva down to this like other counter. That counter tells me to go to another counter.

SPEAKER_00 21:53

Then there's just like a sign with a QR code that's like, scan this if you want to talk to customer service. Like, that's basically what. They pointed me to. So I scan it. I I'm I can only text them because I don't have a US phone. So I'm texting this customer service person. They're basically like, we can't help you, Lufthansa, no, a no-go. So I'm like, fuck. So I'm like, what do I do? Okay. So I'm like, I will just just check the big bag. I think I can carry on everything else. So I get over to another counter and I'm like, okay, here, do it. Like, here's the military orders. Like, I'll just pay for the other half of the bags. And the woman's like, oh, well, where is your spouse on the military orders?

SPEAKER_01 22:31

I was like, oh, he's in Poland. She was like, there's a different lady. And not a nice lady.

SPEAKER_00 22:36

And she was like, Oh, well, it only it only like pertains to the spouse, like to the soldier themselves if they're here. So she was like, These don't mean anything to me. And I was like, No. Uh-uh. She was like, So you can just keep like, she's like looking at me to like press the button.

SPEAKER_01 22:52

And I'm like, oh, you know what?

SPEAKER_00 22:54

I'm gonna have to take my daughter to the bathroom. I'm gonna, I'm gonna go. Grab my stuff. Yeah. And I'm like, Evo, we're finding that original lady. We're finding the original nicely. Seriously. Like wade through the airport and find her. And I'm like, I could never leave this woman.

SPEAKER_01 23:07

So I get back to her. It's been like an hour at this point. And I'm like, hi, I'm back. Can you do the thing on the thing and wave the bags? And she's like, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:15

She's like, it's still telling me. So now I'm like, I have less bags. So she's like, it's still gonna charge you. I it was a 180, $180. And I was like, that's fine. That's I will eat the 180. Like, it's fine. So I pay the 180. I go through and I have a very nice man who's taking the bags and he feels my big boy. He's like, oh, and he weighs it and it's like 80 pounds. And he's like, You're gonna have to pay. He's like, you gotta go back and do the like overweight back thing. He's like, it's gonna cost you like $200. And I was like, I'm like, really? He's like, or you gotta lose like 25 pounds of stuff. I was like, down to the 55? That's like half the bag. I was like, sir, I have to get these beans back. I have beans. I have beans. My husband's expecting beans. Oh my god, my own. So I take the bag out, I dump a can each of beans and a big bottle of salsa. And I was like, got speed. Did you just put it in the trash or you guys put it in the trash? Give it to somebody. Yeah. I know. I need to put it in the trash. So I go back to the kiosk, back to my That is this is so America. Fuck military, even though we want to send, we want to put our military everywhere. Fuck them and their families. And also, we love waste. We love waste. Fuck your beans. We want you to throw those beans away rather than take them with you and have someone actually eat them. Put them in the garbage. Nope, put them in the garbage. So put them in the garbage. Go back, find my lady. And I'm like, me again.

SPEAKER_01 24:36

Can you I was like, he said I need to do the the overweight like thing for the for the bag because it's a little heavy.

SPEAKER_00 24:44

A little heavy. And so she goes in and it's like the $200. And I'm like, fuck. And I'm like, can that just be waived like the other things? Can you just do your little pushy little and do that? So she's like click clacking and she's trying.

SPEAKER_01 24:58

She's like, I'm sorry, it just won't go. And like I'm just standing there looking at her with like my puppy dog eyes with my child. And she just keeps clicking and none of the military codes will work. And then she finally just hits like, I don't even know. It was like a VIP goal, like it was something. Yeah. And like clicked it and it just went zero. And then I was like, Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 25:19

She was like, You're gonna get me in so much trouble. She's like, and I was like, Oh, it's no, you're fine. I kept your beans. She kept my beans in it. She kept your beans in there. I was like, Thank you so much. You're my angel. Oh my god, you're my angel. And she just like went away. She was like, Don't tell anybody, you're gonna get me in trouble. And then I a very sincere, heartfelt fuck you to United. Fuck you to United. And the the the stewardess on the plane could not have been ruder, comes around. Oh, you would have loved this. Comes around with the food. So I look ahead of time and it was supposed to be a chicken, a beef, and a pasta. And like for Eva and I, we were going with the pasta. Of course, you don't eat meat on a plane.

SPEAKER_01 25:54

No, I don't eat meat on a plane. So they like, I mean the meat was like a weird meat. It was like a beef sauce.

SPEAKER_00 25:59

And like, yeah, it's always like something in some weird sauce or like, yeah, beraded or something. Yeah. Yeah. Like it was strange. I was like, we're just gonna go. It was like a pasta alfredo or something with a salad. I was like, all right, that's great.

SPEAKER_01 26:11

So the thing gets to this the row in front of me, and the girl's like, Oh, I'll do pasta. And the woman's like, We only have beef. And she's like, Well, I don't eat uh beef. So she was like, I can I get the pasta. She's like, I don't know if we have any pastas left. This is what they gave me on the cart. She's like, Okay, well, I'll wait to see if there's pasta. She's like, Okay. So she gets to my row and I'm like, two pastas, please. And she was like, Oh, we have this beef. I was like, Well, on the line it says there's supposed to be chicken, beef, and pasta. She was like, I know, but I don't have any pastas. I don't know if there's pastas.

SPEAKER_00 26:41

Like, lady, I go look. Like pasta. That's what we're getting. Pasta.

SPEAKER_02 26:46

Figure it out.

SPEAKER_00 26:46

And I'm sorry, this is not prison. We don't just take what we get, right? Like, what are you talking about? I paid for this flight a lot of money. A lot, like what are you talking about? You don't just give me what uh you give me. Crazy. So then she was basically like, fuck all three of you. I'll see if there's pasta. If there's not, you starve. And I don't care. Fuck your bitch and the click you claim, is what she said to you.

SPEAKER_01 27:09

And the click you claim. Wow. Daughter. And then all of a sudden, like 30 minutes later, a like hot meal just gets like chucked at my head, and it's a pasta. She found three pastas for three of us.

SPEAKER_00 27:22

Oh my god. Yeah. They do have the absolute mo the rudest flight attendants, the rudest people working the desk. The planes are always broken. I have flown United internationally so many times, and I would say half at least half the time the TVs aren't working or the Wi-Fi's not working. Like, it's unbelievable. Just the rudest staff, except for my girl who who waived all my baggage fees. Yeah. And I would just like to remind everybody, I'm going to go on a little bit of a soapbox here, but we we have this illusion of a you know free market economy. That is not what happens with the airlines. They get subsidized the shit out of them with zero oversight. So they get all the perks of a socialist society and absolutely zero of their responsibility. They get to charge you whatever they want, make whatever they want, pay their, you know, executives whatever they want with money that we pay in taxes. And then so they can get on the plane and tell you to go fuck yourself. You're not getting pasta. It's unbelievable. Beef. You want beef? All we got is beef. Yeah. You want beef? Go get me. And some people are allergic from both. Some people are like, exactly. Trot your ass down there and you give me my beans. I'll share it with the lady in front, too. Yeah. Everybody, bake beans for everybody. Bake beans for everybody. Mama's backing.

unknown 28:35

Mama's backing.

SPEAKER_01 28:40

But yeah, it was it was a terrible experience.

SPEAKER_00 28:43

I watched Clueless on the way back. Have not watched Clueless in a decade. What a great movie. What a great movie. Such a good movie. Where there's a will, there's a way. There's a way. And Cher Horowitz, as she said about a report card, those grades are just a suggestion for another. Starting negotiations. Starting negotiations. And that is how you need to go through life, people. So it was price reasoning. That's a first offer. It's a first offer. First offer. Fight it to the end. They expect you to counter. Also going on on your on your soapbox of thinking that we have like a free market and choice. The chlora, chlora, flora, the the the shitting lettuce. Oh, the shit lettuce. Yeah. Can you eat it? Call it by its Christian name, shit lettuce. Call it by its government name, shit lettuce. Yeah. Yeah. Well, you know, they claim that it's limited to iceberg. So I have been I've gotten back on other kinds of like I've had the sweet green salad. I've had like a, you know, a romaine here and there. I did my first salad I had, I did a real deep dive on AI into like the all of the supply chains for sweet green, and I felt comfortable that they didn't come from that Taylor Farm.

SPEAKER_01 29:44

So well, that was the most in the line was that everyone was saying it was Taylor Farms, who like came out with a positive test, but then paid off somebody. You say it was a false positive.

SPEAKER_00 29:55

It's false, but really it's not false.

SPEAKER_01 29:57

But Taylor Farms, someone put the list of like the 20 other brands that are all Taylor Farms. Basically, any lettuce you buy is Taylor Farm. Safeway. Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 30:07

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 30:08

Organic. No, it's all different organics.

SPEAKER_00 30:09

There's like three, three big companies that control all of our food. Yes. Three big companies that again are heavily subsidized by the government. And are they passing those on to the farmers? No, they are not. They're paying all their topics active. They're passing it on to the mountains of money. Nope. No, no. But now we have salmonella eggs. So that's oh, that's yeah, we have salmonella eggs. Yep. Wow. So it's a good fuck itself. Yeah, cob salad if you need that extra five pounds before your last vacation of the summer, you know. Double it up. Yeah, baby. Double it uh I guess we're just eating baked beans over here, you know? Anything packaged. I'm like, I'm doing my part for my body. I'm just gonna eat taco pal from here on out, you know. Yeah. It's a baked beans. I'll tell you, in my if anyone's following along, my ear infection journey, I still can't hear out of my right ear. Oh my god, still? I know. Did you get antibiotics? Yeah, well, yes, so I did, but my doctor was like, I did a video book call and she's like, I'll write your prescription for it, but I don't think that's what it is. And I was like, All right, so I did the antibiotic drops, and they actually felt like they made it worse. So a friend of mine is a nurse practitioner and sorry, a physician's assistant. And so I went to her right before we went to Connecticut. She looked in and she's like, No, it's not swollen. There's just like a bunch of fluid behind your eardrum, and it just has to go away. Yeah. So if you see me out in the wild pulling on my ear like a lunatic, tell the listen like what your late night ideas were in New York for how you were going to resolve your ear issue. What was I? I don't remember. You're gonna puncture your own eardrum. Oh, yeah. I wanted to, I did want to puncture my own eardrum. Yeah, I did want to stick a Q-tip in far enough because I've heard that when you have a really bad ear infection and you burst your own eardrum, it's like instant relief. So I was so much walk away. Anything sharp, it's probably like I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna fucking do it. I'm gonna give you the same color pencil, I'm gonna stick it straight in there. It's still pulled it out. Buranoink. Yeah. So we went to Connecticut, had an amazing time on the advice of one, Jack Hay. Yeah, the seafood. I had so many lobster rolls. Eliza, you know, there's like a seven dollar kids' shrimp meal or or a kid's seven dollar kids' mac and cheese. And she's like, I think I'll get the lobster roll every time, you know. So I was hoping who might deny her a $30, yeah. She did. She sure did. Yeah. We had plenty of lobster rolls. We had our first clam pie, which was like life-changing, a clam. So it was amazing. And I mean, it just New England's the best. It's the best. It really is, you know.

SPEAKER_01 32:33

You don't appreciate it when you grow up there because nobody's like, oh man, Connecticut's so cool. I want to go to Connecticut.

SPEAKER_00 32:40

But then when you live everywhere else and you come back, like this place is pretty, it's pretty nice. I know. I mean, just everywhere I've been in New England is great. It's just like the peak. You're also their peak peak time. Summer, summer falls. I will tell you, I dreadful. Have you ever heard of what is it called? AGY Yachting Company. It's a big yacht company, and their headquarters are in Monsalk. Okay. They're in the so I from South Carolina had to fly to Monsauk in January one year to audit this company. That's rough. And it was tough. So like the people on Moonsawk in January are not chic. They are like, what do you want? Yeah. What do you need? You know, we were the only people staying in this, like, what can I I can only describe as a haunted hotel. And it was like me and like I like fresh out of college, my senior associate who's like two or three years older than me, this dude, Stan. And it's just me and Stan up there in Monsork. You know, it was winters are rough. Yeah, it was tough. And the people were rude. That was the first time I've ever been yelled at at a McDonald's. Like, I was standing there looking at the menu, trying to figure out what to get. And there's not a soul in this McDonald's. And the woman goes, What are you going to order? Well, you know, you've never seen a menu before? You've never been to a McDonald's? You don't know what you're going to order? You're just looking at the menu like you've never been in here before. What the hell? I'm like, I'm sorry. Good for her. Good for her. Yeah. Sorry to invent her. Yeah, that's literally what she said. You never been to a McDonald's before? Get up here and order. Order already. McGad. Justice. Okay. Justify. She's like, you never, because you know, at McDonald's, you're like, that was when they had those little snackers. I still ate me at that. And it was like, am I going to get like a petite little snacker and like a little salad? Or am I going to go like, you know, burger? Always existential. Yeah, yeah. I was, I was burgering then. Yeah. So it's like, you know, it's always the choice as a girl, right? Like, do I am I gonna be naughty or am I gonna be like clean and healthy and get a little breaded fried chicken inside of a tortilla that probably has 700 calories alone. You know, which one am I gonna do? Yeah, snack wraps. I am snack wrap skinny. I'm just gonna get a snack wrap and a small fry, maybe. Yeah, small daico.

SPEAKER_01 34:52

I'm I'm so glad you liked Connecticut. I'm so glad you had to go. I did, I loved it.

SPEAKER_00 34:55

Yeah, had a great time. Yeah, you up there. It is. Yeah. It is. I I got to wear a lobster dress, which it was funny. We went with my best friend from childhood who we lived together one year, our fifth grade year. We went to school together, and then she moved away and we never lived in the same town again because our powers combined are they wouldn't have lasted. We wouldn't have we would have exploded the stratosphere, you know. And we can to this day only spend about three or four days together before it starts starts going sideways, you know, and she's she's intentionally childless. So you know, that's fun too. Yeah, with and the kids were with us. They're great, they're amazing with the kids, actually. It's actually it's it's nice to have friends around that don't have kids because then they are all in on your kids. Yeah. Everything the kids are like, look at this, show me this. They're not worried about their own kid, they're not tired from their own kid. They're like, Yeah, tell me about your train set that you got, you know. But yeah, she's she's super hippie, hairstylist, tattoos, lives in Austin. Like a good time. So she's just like, This must be your like, you're about to jizz over all the lobster stuff you're about to wear, aren't you? I'm like, Yes, I am, thank you. And I wore a little lobster t-shirt at a lobster dress. I bought the cutest sweater that has coasty embroidered on it. Oh yes. Yeah, coasty girl. Coasty girl. Yeah. What did you buy? What was it? What what what was the clothing? Oh, I just said the sweater. A what? That says coasty. A sweater. Sweater, a sweater, sweater, a sweater, sweater, a sweater, sweater says coasty. It says coasty. It's a coasty sweater. It's a coasty sweater. Beautiful.

SPEAKER_01 36:25

Oh the only other thing I meant to tell you is when we got back from our trip, you and I were like 24 hours of no sleep, jet lag, like comatose.

unknown 36:35

Right.

SPEAKER_01 36:35

And I get woken up with two bomb sirens going off outside. So it's like boom, like, what the fuck is that? And then I remember I'm in Eastern Europe and I'm just like, oh no, that's not good. So now I'm running around the apartment. My husband's not there, my daughter's asleep. I have no idea what time it is. Oh my god. And so I like, what are these? And they've been going off for like 10 minutes at this point.

SPEAKER_00 37:04

And I finally look at my phone that I have not looked at, and then there's like a bunch of text messages from like the government and people being like, we're doing all these like siren testing tomorrow. I will play what that shit sounded like because it was wild. No, that's a no. Imagine being sound as snow after traveling for 24 hours. Oh my god. And then waking up to that high dear Red F. Wouldn't that be your luck? You get this bitchy flight attendant, you have all this like horrible travel, and then you get back and you're like, Well, I'm being killed by bombs. Wonderful. I'm not even gonna get to eat those beans. You didn't even get to eat the beans. The real the real tragedy here is the beans. Honestly, guys. The first thing I thought of. I said, Oh my god, my beans. I didn't even get to taste them. My beans, my beans, my baby, my beans. My baby, my beans. I'm taking my beans from the shelter. I'm out of here. Exactly. Yeah. Yeah. So that was that was a welcome back. That was a oh, we're not we're not in Kansas. We're not in America. We're not in Connecticut anymore. We're back, baby. We're back. We're back. Also, I mean, just to wrap this up. Where is Mitch McConnell? Where where is he? Where is he? Where is Mitch McConnell? Wellness check. Wellness check. Six weeks? Five weeks? Yeah. Yeah. I mean, we have a dead U.S. editor and we're still paying his full sleep. We have a and we're acting like this man's alive. And he's not. And he's been dead. Probably before Lindsey Graham. Absolutely before Lindsey Graham.

SPEAKER_01 38:32

He was not at Lindsey Graham's funeral. He did not post anything about Lindsey Graham. We have not seen this man. Yep. I feel like this is a pretty bipartisan issue.

SPEAKER_00 38:42

Yeah. I mean, not everyone is like, hey, where is this guy? Where is he? Well, what a time to be. I'm glad that our U.S. senators have such amazing health care. Good for this. Amazing healthcare can take six minutes of paid leave. Of paid leave.

SPEAKER_01 38:55

Um, that their staff is getting paid and has health care. Full salaries also on paid leave, since their boss is not in office, they have nothing to do.

SPEAKER_00 39:03

It's good. It's good. Happy for them. You know, happy for them. And then be happier.

SPEAKER_01 39:08

Your summer, baby.

SPEAKER_00 39:10

Yes.

SPEAKER_01 39:11

Exactly. We're hit in all we're in August.

SPEAKER_00 39:14

This is August. It's happy. Soak it up, motherfuckers. Because fall is right around the corner, and that's cannot wait. Spooky season. September 1st. The fucking skellies are going out, you know? Cannot wait. That's my time. Heard it. Our contractor, and this will be the last thing I say, but our contractor did most of the work on our a lot of the work on our house. Some of the work on our house. He, much like Mitch McConnell, hasn't been seen or heard from in the last, you know, 90 days. 60 days, I would say. Yeah. So summer hours are hard. Was hoping to have doors to the outdoors, but it is not so. So right now we don't really have any like patio or anything anywhere to hang out outside. So, you know, that's tough. Yeah. I hope he's having a good collar. Yeah, you too. Good summer.

SPEAKER_01 40:06

Good for him.

SPEAKER_00 40:06

Yep.

SPEAKER_01 40:07

If you want to follow us on the social, it is Instagram at a Kiki CatchUp.

SPEAKER_00 40:12

We're sharing at this point. It's really a random bag of who. No, we're gonna have some Jody Messina picks. We're gonna have Did you get a picture of that live rat? Did you get a picture of the live rat? No, I did not. I got the tail of it. I got the tail of it, but I will post the tail. All right, Mel. Always a pleasure. Always a feel. Your hair out our next second. I know. It looks like a lob, right? I know. It looks good here, though. Oh, it's awful. Great. No, it looked cute. No. I need my length. I need my length. I don't do emotional cutting. Not in that way, anyway. I mean, we're gone wrong. Get it, get it, get it. Get some alcohol like the rest of us, okay? Drugs and alcohol. That's how you handle your stress and push it deep, deep down. Deep, deep down. All right, everybody. Well, sorry we disappeared like Mitch McConnell, but we're back. We're back. And this is not AI. Unlike Mitch McConnell, we are very much alive.

SPEAKER_01 41:03

Very much alive. We're very much here. We do have some fun things planned.

SPEAKER_00 41:06

I need to start and finish uh Real Housewives of Rhode Island so that we can finally do our uh episode with Alex from Rhode Island. Like, why are you even talking to me right now? Like you get off this call and go watch it.

unknown 41:18

Go watch it.

SPEAKER_00 41:19

Putting it on my iPad one job.

unknown 41:21

Okay.

SPEAKER_00 41:21

Perfect. All right. All right. All right, Mal. Check you later. Love ya. Love you. Bye. Bye. It's a kitty catch.

unknown 41:36

It's a kitty catch up.